Adam and I have always wanted a big family and planned to have babies back to back. We even bought a double stroller before we had any children in anticipation of having lots of little ones running around. Life doesn’t always work out the way that we have planned, and sometimes life can be a struggle. While I know there are couple’s out there who have had fertility issues far more complex and sad then ours….to us, ours at times felt devastating. I also know that the struggles & loss that I have experienced, do in no way compare to the loss of a child or baby that you have held and fed and I in no way mean to compare the two experiences. My parents lost my sister (younger then me), so I know & somewhat can comprehend the pain of losing a child, as I watched my parent’s anguish & felt my own loss at that time.
After our darling son was born, we immedietly started planning for our second child. When our son was about 6 months old we found out we were expecting, we were over the moon. We were absolutely devastated to lose that baby when I was 4 months pregnant. Of course, being past the safe 12 weeks, we had announced the pregnancy to everyone we knew. There were months of heartache following our loss as people (who were don’t see often) assumed that we were still pregnant. It felt like we were re-telling our sad news over the course of 5 months. It was definitely a low in our lives. We wanted that little munchkin so badly.
Over a year later, we !finally! got pregnant again with another sweet baby. We were again so very very excited and felt so blessed. All 3 of us rubbed my tiny tummy nightly and had all fallen in love with the wee one inside. That fall could not come fast enough for us to meet our sweet little bundle. I will never forget being in my 4th (almost 5th month) and coming back from a road trip to WPPI (a photography conference) with my sister & realising that something was wrong. I went to emergency with tears in my eyes, but hope in my heart. They couldn’t find a heartbeat. The soonest they could get me in for an ultrasound was 3 days later. For 3 days I did not sleep.
I spent my nights tossing & turning & praying that this little babe was okay. Adam would rub my back & stroke my hair as I cried, worrying about the worst possibility. Adam was optimistic, however, I felt numb. We bravely went, hand in hand to my ultrasound that day. Adam kissed the top of my head as they asked him to wait outside while the took me in. I so wanted him in there with me, however they said he needed to stay out for now. They would bring him in to the room in a few minutes to see our baby on the screen. After a few minutes & a few different people coming in & out of the room, I was given the news that the baby was not alive. To say that I was devastated would be the understatement of the century. I had not felt crushing pain & disappointment like that since my dad died. It was overwhelming. I held it together long enough to leave the room. As I turned the corner to the waiting room, I saw adam. He looked at me with confused eyes. As soon as our eyes met. I shook my head “no” & just lost it. I was a puddle of tears. I couldn’t even catch my breath. Being the ever loving husband that he is, he scooped me up & got me out to the vehicle where he just held me for a long time & stroked my hair. When I look back now, I am amazed at his strength. He wanted that baby as badly as I did, and yet he was there for me. Holding me. Being my rock. Wiping my devastated tears. I am not going to lie. The next 9 months or so were hard. Very hard. I wasn’t regular cheery Radelle. I felt defeated. I felt the loss of my 2 babies incredibly strong. It was very painful. I think unless you have been there & felt that, it is hard to understand, but I assure you, it is a real pain and a raw pain. Even though I never held either baby, they WERE my babies. I loved them. I still do.
A year later, we discovered that we were expecting again. We were thrilled, but if we are being totally honest, we were nervous and refused to get excited. I knew the pain of losing something that I loved so dearly, so I tried to be as emotionally unattached to the pregnancy as I possibly could. I had weekly tests & early ultrasounds. Each bringing a wave of absolute nausea & fear at what they would find. What news they would have. Try as I might to stay detached & “medical” about this little miracle, I cannot lie, I absolutely fell in love again.
So, it is with the most absolute joy in the world that I share the following photos with you. We are thrilled out of our minds to let everyone know that we are going to have the most wanted, sweetest, most loved baby ever in October! We thank God daily for this darling child & love it beyond measure already. We cannot wait to meet the baby (boy or girl?) and smoother it in many, many saved up kisses.